Lean In, Lean In, Lean In!

My friends. How is your heart today? I'll be transparent with you: I've hit a wall. I'm drained. I'm tired of this way of living; this isolation. Which I understand the root of; I completely understand why our world has shifted, you must shift when something as large as this ignites. However, that does not lessen the fact that: This. Shit. Is. Hard.

I said it.

This is hard. And I've about hit the end of my "nah, I can do this!" meter.

I'm also very much aware of the immense privilege I hold in the spot I'm in right now.

I am blessed. Beyond measure. And I know that there are people in the world suffering in way deeper ways within this very moment.

Nonetheless, I am still allowing myself to feel what I am feeling.

I am allowed to struggle with this pandemic, even if my situation has less obstacles than many. My heart aches for our world. All those hurting. My heart physically hurts. I miss strangers! On my morning walks, everyday, I see these 3 runners. Same spot, same time, unless I walk later on in the day.

And y'all.

I have become emotionally attached to these 3 strangers whom I've never spoken a word to in my life. I don't cross them on their routes and I begin thinking: "Where's the blonde dude? He good?"

But. All of this aside, I am someone who views all emotions, feelings, and struggles as holding value. I believe that we don't feel things by random. Part of being a divine human spirit is going through waves of hurt, confusion, etc.

This probs sounds super "woo-woo" to some of you, but stick with me. I'll break this down.

"If you don't let it out, where does it go?" - a line from one of my favorite humans on this earth, Rachel Brathen (@yoga_girl on Instagram). This line will be one that sticks with me for the entirety of my life because of it's T R U T H! It's so simple, and it makes such sense. Think about a car: if you fill up your Subaru with a full tank of gas, but don't drive it anywhere post doing so, your Subaru will have the same amount of gas until you turn on the engine, and press that gas pedal.

I'm within process of viewing myself in this similar light.

If I'm feeling anger, frustration, confusion, and I refuse to acknowledge it, where do those feelings go?

The simple answer: nowhere. They remain. And they will continue to do so if I don't release them.

And how does releasing occur?

- F e e l i n g. -

I gently encourage you to turn on the engine. To put your foot on that gas pedal.

As I shared earlier. I've been feeling some tension building up. So, your girl hopped in her moms car, crawled into the backseat and screamed. Yup. I just yelled, and yelled, and yelled some more. Then I shook my arms out, and then the same to my feet. I tried doing this new meditation thing and it wasn't working out for me; I kept getting paranoid that my neighbors were going to be spooked, considering I was standing outside my car, barefoot in my garage as it's pouring, and I'm just jumping up and down, shaking my whole body. (What a visual you were just blessed withh). I'm lol'ing. So, I decided to simply sit in criss-cross in the car, shake, and yell out all that was on my heart. Poured out the tension.

Do I feel like a million bucks, ready to Beyonce the rest of my day? Nah! I made a smoothie and some toast, and watched roadtrip vlogs to fill my travel fix for a little while. Now, I'm wanting to binge this new Netflix show (Sweet Magnolias - I'm a fan so far) while in my sports bra. I'm still confused by the state of our world, and I'm still feeling like if one more person leaves my bedroom door open after leaving my room, I may ~snap~. But I do feel lighter. I feel more in tune with myself. I feel more aware of my needs in this current moment. And, for all I know, my soul may need another good cleanse of emotions the next few days, and that's. So. Beautiful. So imma just. keep. feeling.

- "If you don't feel your feelings, where do they go?" -

I love you!

I'm cheering for you.

Continue trusting yourself.

The universe has your back. You are safe.

-j